Just when I thought things were looking up, the uniform greyness of Pittsburgh days descends upon us once again, and I get steamrollered by my old friend-nemesis, SAD. First, on Monday, I wake up at 3:44 a.m., and am obviously not going to be able to get back to sleep. Now, as the busses in Pgh only start running around 5:20 a.m., I can't go to work, and I don't want to wake D up, so I busy myself with e-mail and such & watch some TV until a more respectable hour. Then, on Tuesday, I'm running late, and don't do anything for the christmas party at work. Which leads me to believe I shouldn't go. Plus, I feel like avoiding people, which isn't particularly difficult since one of my co-workers reliably locks me in the lab when she leaves the room. Interestingly, she fails to lock the door when she leaves the lab empty - but I suppose I have complained enough about her in previous blogs. And in person a whole lot.
So, instead of gorging myself on cookies and beer, I went running instead. Well, it's actually more like jogging very mildly, with a whole lot of walking interspersed. But I did it outside, which hasn't happened in a very long time (scale of years). And this makes it a whole lot harder than running on a treadmill. My legs hurt in completely different places. So that was good, although I met some other grad students for cheap beer after work, and undid any good that was achieved with the running. Plus I ended up being in a crap mood, and went home to yell at D about the same stuff I always yell at him for.
So Wednesday I woke up feeling awful. Not hungover, but still uneasy because of the fight I picked. Not that I don't have valid points, but D never fights back overtly, so it always seems like I'm the one being unreasonable. Which is in itself a fighting tactic, just a hugely passive-aggressive one. I also couldn't seem to drag myself out of bed, or once that was accomplished, off the couch. So I missed my UV appt (8:45), and watched bad recorded tv for a few hours, all while trying to decide if I would take the day off of work or not. I finally get myself to the busstop, and take the bus to Oakland, where I eat lunch, and decide that I'd prefer to not have to be around any of the people I work with, and go home. Most productive day ever - I love that I get to a point of indecision that literally results in me turning around on the street several times, trying to get up the will to do something. anything.
I'm hoping this is just a random thing, happening this week & then receding, but I have a feeling it's just the beginning. Oh, and I got nominated for the same fellowship that I apply for every year, but fail to receive it every year. I wish they would just nominate someone else, so I can stop wasting my time on this retarded thing.
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6 comments:
I don't know if it is a seasonal thing or not. It may just be the holidays. Holidays used to be a time for good food, good friends, and relaxing. That has all changed. The only non-stressful ones left are Groundhog Day, Easter, and Halloween.The fact that they were all Celtic holidays may have something to do with it. Gather the clan, roast an ox, fill the cauldron with ale, light the fires at both ends of the long house, and spend the day celebrating.
I have heard that the shortening of the day can cause depression. When the Swedes came to this country they could have gone to Florida or California. Instead they went to Minnesota. Is depression our natural state?
Could not going to the UV treatment have any relevance? I wish you warmth, joy, and peace. The fuzzy kitten may help.
It is grey and dismal here also. The only bright point is that in two more meals I will have finished the beef stew and be able to move on to something that I hope will be palatable.
Christmas used to be so simple. I remember the intensity of you and your sisters when you were allowed to hold the lit candle at church. It was amazing that each of you got to be Mary in the pageant. I also remember fondly the tin foil wings. Simple things, dearest memories. Advent readings and A Christmas Carol.
Down with the SAD here too, although I kind of headed it off with Zoloft, I just am going to need to bump it up some. I can see similar symptoms in all of us, particularly our cooking and baking habits once winter sets in-seems like we are all compulsively churning out stuff like maybe we will be hibernating or something. And being in Florida doesn't lessen much, I still get into people avoidance and I SO identify with spinning around in the street several times(I am usually also talking to myself softly if there aren't too many people around). I hope you have an easy time this year, I love you, and there's always our good friends SSRI's when you stop showering regularly and decide that everyone you've ever met really doesn't like you but they have been too polite to say anything. Which hopefully won't happen to you. I guess what I'm saying is don't let yourself suffer too long if this is just setting in. Cause we've still got a lot of winter to go.Love you and miss you!
Hi, sweetie. I'm really sorry you're feeling down. I hope it's some consolation that we (as in your family) have all been there. My jaw dropped when I read your account of spinning around on the street indecisively because I can't tell you how many times I've been on the T and just wanted to "pretend" I missed my stop and keep going so that I didn't have to go to work. It's so comforting to know I'm not the only one who does this! And I'm the queen of people avoidance! Goodness - I always feel like you and Johanna are the normal, socially adept ones and I'm the freakish weirdo hermit who can't talk to people.
Be kind to yourself. Do whatever you need to to feel better. Maybe watch "It's a Wonderful Life." Eat some chocolate. Or, sometimes what I try to do is find a way to cheer someone else up to get the focus off beating myself up mentally.
(Of course, I spent part of my morning today looking at Florida real estate developers' websites! Even A was looking with me. So the SAD is hitting hard! We have so much stupid snow and ice now, I have no idea how we'll ever get rid of it. And I'm watching the ice dams build up on the roof and just waiting for the water to come streaming inside the kitchen walls. Grrr.)
I love you. I hope you feel better very soon! We miss you.
And, I have already eaten all your toffee. The cheese straws' days are numbered as well. :-)
I should have known better than to give you advice on sleeping and depression. Here I am up at 1:30 a.m. and in the typical Scandanavian funk. Cheer up sweetheart, now the days start getting longer. Soon the trees will be budding, the birds will be singing, and the gentle Summer breezes will blow. You have a lock on that fellowship, whatever that is, and the seed catalogues are in the mail. They are the first harbingers of Spring.
YOU ARE LOVED!!!! No matter what. Be kind and loving to yourself, too. We're all pulling for you, praying for you, loving you, and hoping you'll be cheered. I absolutely loved the Shoveling Elvii card! And you have got to be a world class baker! Must be the paternal genes. My heart was in the right place, but could never bake anything even marginally palatable. I'm saving the cheese straws (love the name-sounds like an expletive!) for company. I'm so proud of your many accomplishments and talents. You're a wonder with all the hands-on projects on your home. You're an amazing baker and cook. You're brilliant in your study and research, you're funny, fun, and beautiful. You've got it all! Don't put yourself under a microscope. Look at yourself head-on....you know, the big picture. Everyone has dark sides or facets, down moments. Maybe you're just looking at the underside of the weaving. You need a different perspective. YOU ARE LOVED, IMMENSELY!
Arrghh, sorry we didn't call today-madness- we got your package on Sat, and everybody loved everything, and I ate most of the toffee myself. Our package will be there in a few days, and next year I'm going to start smoking crack in November and get everything done on time. Hope you had a great day, and that I can catch you tomorrow, and I love you very very much!!!
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