Things are starting to lift, and I'm getting ideas that I want to explore. This week seems to be going better already, and I realized today that my group meeting is not this Wednesday, so I have a little more time than I thought I did. I also decided not to put an abstract in for the meeting I'll be at in mid-April. So there's a little pressure off me.
I also managed to get some exercise the past couple of weekends, and made a bunch of real food on Sunday that I can eat through the week. I'm munching on tabbouleh, feta & some olives right now, and glad for the light meal. I'm sure taking better care of myself is helping me feel better as well.
We had another tornado warning at work today (all over Nashville from what I hear), and there was a gigantic tree uprooted whole along my drive home. The thunder here is truly greater than anything I've heard before, like the sound bounces between the hills, echoing for miles and miles. I swear it thundered continously for at least 4 minutes a little while ago. It's a really interesting region to live in.
Someday I'll post about the birds though.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Dissatisfaction
I'm struggling with a bit of depression these last 2 weeks, that's got me looking at everything through the most negative filter. I know that part of this is homesickness setting in; part is the same dissatisfaction with my career that I experienced in grad school, and that continues to accompany my relationship with science; and part is real financial stress that I haven't experienced in a long time. I forgot how unpleasant it is to be broke and behind on my budget.
I feel the urge to destroy the structured elements of my life, and a simultaneous, paradoxical pull to continue pressing on, to cling tighter to what I know rather than have to try again, building a new career, only to risk failing at that, too. I wonder why I didn't leave graduate school earlier, as soon as I realized I didn't really enjoy this career path (~ 2nd year for me).
Beneath all of it is the suspicion that I won't be entirely happy with anything that I do - that's just how I am. And I guess it's an improvement that I know I won't burn any bridges spectacularly, no matter how badly I want to.
I feel the urge to destroy the structured elements of my life, and a simultaneous, paradoxical pull to continue pressing on, to cling tighter to what I know rather than have to try again, building a new career, only to risk failing at that, too. I wonder why I didn't leave graduate school earlier, as soon as I realized I didn't really enjoy this career path (~ 2nd year for me).
Beneath all of it is the suspicion that I won't be entirely happy with anything that I do - that's just how I am. And I guess it's an improvement that I know I won't burn any bridges spectacularly, no matter how badly I want to.
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