Things are starting to lift, and I'm getting ideas that I want to explore. This week seems to be going better already, and I realized today that my group meeting is not this Wednesday, so I have a little more time than I thought I did. I also decided not to put an abstract in for the meeting I'll be at in mid-April. So there's a little pressure off me.
I also managed to get some exercise the past couple of weekends, and made a bunch of real food on Sunday that I can eat through the week. I'm munching on tabbouleh, feta & some olives right now, and glad for the light meal. I'm sure taking better care of myself is helping me feel better as well.
We had another tornado warning at work today (all over Nashville from what I hear), and there was a gigantic tree uprooted whole along my drive home. The thunder here is truly greater than anything I've heard before, like the sound bounces between the hills, echoing for miles and miles. I swear it thundered continously for at least 4 minutes a little while ago. It's a really interesting region to live in.
Someday I'll post about the birds though.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Dissatisfaction
I'm struggling with a bit of depression these last 2 weeks, that's got me looking at everything through the most negative filter. I know that part of this is homesickness setting in; part is the same dissatisfaction with my career that I experienced in grad school, and that continues to accompany my relationship with science; and part is real financial stress that I haven't experienced in a long time. I forgot how unpleasant it is to be broke and behind on my budget.
I feel the urge to destroy the structured elements of my life, and a simultaneous, paradoxical pull to continue pressing on, to cling tighter to what I know rather than have to try again, building a new career, only to risk failing at that, too. I wonder why I didn't leave graduate school earlier, as soon as I realized I didn't really enjoy this career path (~ 2nd year for me).
Beneath all of it is the suspicion that I won't be entirely happy with anything that I do - that's just how I am. And I guess it's an improvement that I know I won't burn any bridges spectacularly, no matter how badly I want to.
I feel the urge to destroy the structured elements of my life, and a simultaneous, paradoxical pull to continue pressing on, to cling tighter to what I know rather than have to try again, building a new career, only to risk failing at that, too. I wonder why I didn't leave graduate school earlier, as soon as I realized I didn't really enjoy this career path (~ 2nd year for me).
Beneath all of it is the suspicion that I won't be entirely happy with anything that I do - that's just how I am. And I guess it's an improvement that I know I won't burn any bridges spectacularly, no matter how badly I want to.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
New Post
As you can see, I can't even come up with an original-like title, but I am posting at least.
The last 6 months have been a whirlwind. I successfully defended my dissertation, revised it, submitted it, cleaned up my lab records & copied what I needed to, moved to Tennessee, started a new job & have been swimming in work ever since. There is so much to do and learn that I still feel stressed out, but the environment is a lot different, so it seems like its more energizing than depressing.
I have basically switched back to molecular and cellular work, though I doubt I will ever let go of my systems perspective on things. I'm still doing a little bit of anatomical work - and have gotten some preliminary photos to optimize my image analysis on - but mostly I transfect cells (make them manufacture protein by providing them with DNA), run Western blots (to look at relative amounts of protein), and do synaptosomal uptakes (use radioactively labeled choline to measure the amount of choline uptake into neurons).
Nashville is nice, now that the snow is gone (sorry, Northeasterners, I don't mean to gloat), though I haven't ventured out much. I have good friends as neighbors; we play cards once or twice a week & sometimes watch Star Trek. And of course, the holidays involved quite a bit of traveling and visiting with people. For Christmas I drove to Pittsburgh with my neighbors, which was an exciting ride with the Subaru, a.k.a Ol' Greenie (at least in my mind). Unfortunately, D's cars had both kind of quit on him, so I left the car with him, flew back on Jan 1, and bought a car the next day. I was not planning on buying something new, but am pretty happy overall, and I think I did okay on the negotiating. Hopefully next time I won't be as rushed, and can improve on the dealmaking :)
But, ick, car salesman are sleazy... I felt like taking a shower once i got home from that ordeal, and was pretty upset for awhile that I didn't walk out of there. I don't know whether it was the New England cheapness in me, or what, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I was behaving irresponsibly by buying new. I even had to go talk to the neighbors and have them remind me that it has a warranty, and nothing is really going to break on it for awhile.
On the upside, it's pretty fun to drive, and now I am looking forward to road trips with a functioning CD player, air conditioning, and cruise control. I even have one of those push button key chain locking devices. I know, I'm behind the times by about 15 years, but it's still pretty cool to me. I'll be taking it on an inaugural trip to Pgh at the end of the month, and D & I might go to Memphis for a weekend sometime later in the spring (or fall, depending on the cash flow situation).
While I am in Pittsburgh though, we're going to get some tile for the upstairs bathroom, and may tile the floor in there too. D's had a contractor in for the past week or so, and the plumbing & electrical are pretty set, now we just need the fixtures, etc. D got a roommate too, so there's a little more cash coming in to help with repair costs. And hopefully winter will abate soon, so the heating costs will subside a bit too.
Otherwise, I work, come home & work some more, sleep, then go to work. I have to admit it was a little relaxing at first to have some time and space to myself, but now I feel more settled in, and miss his company. I'm looking forward to findng an appropriate apartment with him, and setting up a dual household again. My current place looks like a big dorm room, which I suppose is appropriate, but we'll need something bigger when he moves down here. In the meantime, I'm trying to make the best of it by getting as much done as possible at work, and getting a handle on the new literature, etc.
It's not exciting, but at least it's posted!
The last 6 months have been a whirlwind. I successfully defended my dissertation, revised it, submitted it, cleaned up my lab records & copied what I needed to, moved to Tennessee, started a new job & have been swimming in work ever since. There is so much to do and learn that I still feel stressed out, but the environment is a lot different, so it seems like its more energizing than depressing.
I have basically switched back to molecular and cellular work, though I doubt I will ever let go of my systems perspective on things. I'm still doing a little bit of anatomical work - and have gotten some preliminary photos to optimize my image analysis on - but mostly I transfect cells (make them manufacture protein by providing them with DNA), run Western blots (to look at relative amounts of protein), and do synaptosomal uptakes (use radioactively labeled choline to measure the amount of choline uptake into neurons).
Nashville is nice, now that the snow is gone (sorry, Northeasterners, I don't mean to gloat), though I haven't ventured out much. I have good friends as neighbors; we play cards once or twice a week & sometimes watch Star Trek. And of course, the holidays involved quite a bit of traveling and visiting with people. For Christmas I drove to Pittsburgh with my neighbors, which was an exciting ride with the Subaru, a.k.a Ol' Greenie (at least in my mind). Unfortunately, D's cars had both kind of quit on him, so I left the car with him, flew back on Jan 1, and bought a car the next day. I was not planning on buying something new, but am pretty happy overall, and I think I did okay on the negotiating. Hopefully next time I won't be as rushed, and can improve on the dealmaking :)
But, ick, car salesman are sleazy... I felt like taking a shower once i got home from that ordeal, and was pretty upset for awhile that I didn't walk out of there. I don't know whether it was the New England cheapness in me, or what, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I was behaving irresponsibly by buying new. I even had to go talk to the neighbors and have them remind me that it has a warranty, and nothing is really going to break on it for awhile.
On the upside, it's pretty fun to drive, and now I am looking forward to road trips with a functioning CD player, air conditioning, and cruise control. I even have one of those push button key chain locking devices. I know, I'm behind the times by about 15 years, but it's still pretty cool to me. I'll be taking it on an inaugural trip to Pgh at the end of the month, and D & I might go to Memphis for a weekend sometime later in the spring (or fall, depending on the cash flow situation).
While I am in Pittsburgh though, we're going to get some tile for the upstairs bathroom, and may tile the floor in there too. D's had a contractor in for the past week or so, and the plumbing & electrical are pretty set, now we just need the fixtures, etc. D got a roommate too, so there's a little more cash coming in to help with repair costs. And hopefully winter will abate soon, so the heating costs will subside a bit too.
Otherwise, I work, come home & work some more, sleep, then go to work. I have to admit it was a little relaxing at first to have some time and space to myself, but now I feel more settled in, and miss his company. I'm looking forward to findng an appropriate apartment with him, and setting up a dual household again. My current place looks like a big dorm room, which I suppose is appropriate, but we'll need something bigger when he moves down here. In the meantime, I'm trying to make the best of it by getting as much done as possible at work, and getting a handle on the new literature, etc.
It's not exciting, but at least it's posted!
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