The upside

I felt bad about all the negativity from Friday's post, especially since it was very gray outside & that never does good things to my mindset/perspective on things. Even though I took the post down, I still felt I should balance it with some of the good things about science/academia that I can come up with (assuming, of course, that I feel like acknowleding them). So in my quest to be more positive, here goes:

1) I get to work on some very cool things, and in general I don't have anyone telling me what to do. Granted, this has also been the source of alot of bad feelings on my part about grad school, but overall, I don't have to do things that I think are unethical simply because it's good for business, or anything like that. I know many people would have objections to the animal research I do, but it is heavily regulated & most of the researchers I know are concerned with animal welfare first before other considerations. Maybe we've had to be forced into it, but at this point in time, most scientists really do care about the comfort and well-being of their subjects (and not just because it leads to better data). At the very least, most of them grapple with the ethical issues surrounding their research on a regular basis. We get pretty upset if our animals aren't doing well (at least I do).

2) Despite my complaining about lack of job opportunities, I've done pretty well for myself so far. While I look back at my decision making as being pretty uninformed (or focusing on the wrong things), I ended up at a well-respected college that didn't bankrupt me. I'm in a grad program that's in the top 10 for my field in the U.S., and I'm going on to a very well-respected lab (and deserving of that respect) for a post-doc. I can't admit it very often, but I am excited to go train with the new mentor. I hope that my work will improve a lot over the next few years.

3) Despite the general complaining of Ph.D.s on the internets re: lack of well-paying jobs, research science professor jobs are more plentiful than liberal arts ones, so I've got an advantage there. If I decide to go the professor route, it doesn't have to be at a big research-heavy university. Slower-paced lifestyle is possible, and the non-financial perks of working in academia are pretty good (relaxed hours, work-from-home options, tuition benefits, discounts in community, summers off (sometimes)). Plus, if you can get in in the first place, job security is pretty good, though acquiring tenure requires an awful lot of upfront investment (~10 years of solid 100+ hr weeks & just pushing to get as much cranked out as possible). And who knows? Maybe I can float back and forth between industry/academia a bit.

4) Opportunity to travel. And not just for conferences or vacations. It sometimes seems a onerous to have to pick up and move for this or that opportunity, and it stinks to leave behind friendships that have been a big part of the past 7 years, but I always did want to live in different places. I doubt I could have predicted Pittsburgh, or Nashville as places I would end up, but I am so glad I got to experience Pittsburgh (a really great little city) and I'm sure Nashville is going to turn out to be a positive experience too. I am a little disappointed to not be moving back to a major (i.e coastal) city, but I'm glad there are places I can live that I can actually live within my means on an academic salary. I'm also glad I discovered that there are places that are much cheaper than New England (it sounds weird to me now, but I honestly didn't grasp just how much more expensive Boston-New York-Washington (heck, even Plymouth & Providence) are than other parts of the country.)

And of course, I didn't really realize that mountains in PA are a totally different breed than the ones in Western MA. And the plant life! New England is pretty & picturesque; PA flora is just so virulently alive - you can literally see the vines & other plants swallow houses, lots, etc within a couple of seasons. This makes for more frustrating gardening, but it's really amazing & inspires awe in me. Next I will be in the foothills of Appalachia, and I'm sure there will be lots of new-to-me nature to take in.

Of course, I still hope to get back to something a little more urbane, and luckily the academic thing offers a lot on that front. I'm already taking a harder look at fellowship opportunities in Germany & France, D even said he might consider Sweden (apparently the availability of disgusting fish treats may outweigh the cold & dark thing), though I'd prefer someplace I haven't been before. That won't be cheap, but how many people get to live & work in foreign countries for a few years?

5) I get to talk with scientists. For many people, that would not be a great thing. And yes, some of them can be snooty and awful. But then there are the people who practically wet themselves because they are, "Just. So. Excited. About.Science". These are the ones who run to the white board. Their eyes light up when they talk about what other people in the field are doing (not just their own stuff). They are engaged and engaging intellectually, and many can appreciate the humor in their own quirks, and in the weird conversations that come up in the course of their job. We embrace and celebrate our dorkitude, and then go off to discuss the neuroscience of zombies* over beer. It's pretty fun (sometimes).

* um, yeah, I've honestly had this conversation. It veered into how you would have to engineer the zombie virus to selectively inactivate different parts of the brain & which regions would have to be left intact. No-one participating in that conversation actually engineers viruses, so it was purely theoretical, I swear.

So I feel better about things today (obviously), and I'm almost done with the 3rd revision of my talk. In less than 48 hours, I should be done with everything, and hopefully celebrating the good outcome :)

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to try grad school....

I actually sing this to myself when I'm getting out of the car some days. Partially cause I like Willie Nelson, and it's fun to sing country in an overly vibratto way. But also because it's so, so true.

I try to wrap it in wry humor (because it is supremely funny in an objective, universe-sized way) but at some point I had to come to terms with the fact that I was doing this to myself. Grad school is a deep, dark, lonely swamp of self-doubt and confusion, and having to fake it. But no-one made me go, and no-one really made me stay through to the end (-ish). So I had to accept that no matter how anxiety ridden I am, it is self-inflicted. Which makes you really think about why you're doing it.

I can't say I've figured that out. I think in the end, I am addicted to thinking about the brain. I get to a point where I don't want to know anymore (I think things are now just getting knocked out of there whenever I manage to remember anything new), but then I hear about something on the radio, or a new idea just pops into my mind, and I'm back reading papers and my mind is cranking again.

To me it's like Gorgonzola. I think that I don't like it, but I'm not sure, so I have to try it a little bit more. I'm intrigued by the experience.

The last six weeks were very trying intellectually, but especially emotionally. I still feel embarassed about my document - there are at least 3 very weak sections that were written too close to the end, and that I wasn't thinking clearly about when I wrote them - but am trying to just press on with my defense. I'll worry about the written part later, since I expect there will be revision.

Send all the good thoughts/prayers/wishes you can out toward Southwestern PA. I'll let everyone know how it goes.