I felt bad about all the negativity from Friday's post, especially since it was very gray outside & that never does good things to my mindset/perspective on things. Even though I took the post down, I still felt I should balance it with some of the good things about science/academia that I can come up with (assuming, of course, that I feel like acknowleding them). So in my quest to be more positive, here goes:
1) I get to work on some very cool things, and in general I don't have anyone telling me what to do. Granted, this has also been the source of alot of bad feelings on my part about grad school, but overall, I don't have to do things that I think are unethical simply because it's good for business, or anything like that. I know many people would have objections to the animal research I do, but it is heavily regulated & most of the researchers I know are concerned with animal welfare first before other considerations. Maybe we've had to be forced into it, but at this point in time, most scientists really do care about the comfort and well-being of their subjects (and not just because it leads to better data). At the very least, most of them grapple with the ethical issues surrounding their research on a regular basis. We get pretty upset if our animals aren't doing well (at least I do).
2) Despite my complaining about lack of job opportunities, I've done pretty well for myself so far. While I look back at my decision making as being pretty uninformed (or focusing on the wrong things), I ended up at a well-respected college that didn't bankrupt me. I'm in a grad program that's in the top 10 for my field in the U.S., and I'm going on to a very well-respected lab (and deserving of that respect) for a post-doc. I can't admit it very often, but I am excited to go train with the new mentor. I hope that my work will improve a lot over the next few years.
3) Despite the general complaining of Ph.D.s on the internets re: lack of well-paying jobs, research science professor jobs are more plentiful than liberal arts ones, so I've got an advantage there. If I decide to go the professor route, it doesn't have to be at a big research-heavy university. Slower-paced lifestyle is possible, and the non-financial perks of working in academia are pretty good (relaxed hours, work-from-home options, tuition benefits, discounts in community, summers off (sometimes)). Plus, if you can get in in the first place, job security is pretty good, though acquiring tenure requires an awful lot of upfront investment (~10 years of solid 100+ hr weeks & just pushing to get as much cranked out as possible). And who knows? Maybe I can float back and forth between industry/academia a bit.
4) Opportunity to travel. And not just for conferences or vacations. It sometimes seems a onerous to have to pick up and move for this or that opportunity, and it stinks to leave behind friendships that have been a big part of the past 7 years, but I always did want to live in different places. I doubt I could have predicted Pittsburgh, or Nashville as places I would end up, but I am so glad I got to experience Pittsburgh (a really great little city) and I'm sure Nashville is going to turn out to be a positive experience too. I am a little disappointed to not be moving back to a major (i.e coastal) city, but I'm glad there are places I can live that I can actually live within my means on an academic salary. I'm also glad I discovered that there are places that are much cheaper than New England (it sounds weird to me now, but I honestly didn't grasp just how much more expensive Boston-New York-Washington (heck, even Plymouth & Providence) are than other parts of the country.)
And of course, I didn't really realize that mountains in PA are a totally different breed than the ones in Western MA. And the plant life! New England is pretty & picturesque; PA flora is just so virulently alive - you can literally see the vines & other plants swallow houses, lots, etc within a couple of seasons. This makes for more frustrating gardening, but it's really amazing & inspires awe in me. Next I will be in the foothills of Appalachia, and I'm sure there will be lots of new-to-me nature to take in.
Of course, I still hope to get back to something a little more urbane, and luckily the academic thing offers a lot on that front. I'm already taking a harder look at fellowship opportunities in Germany & France, D even said he might consider Sweden (apparently the availability of disgusting fish treats may outweigh the cold & dark thing), though I'd prefer someplace I haven't been before. That won't be cheap, but how many people get to live & work in foreign countries for a few years?
5) I get to talk with scientists. For many people, that would not be a great thing. And yes, some of them can be snooty and awful. But then there are the people who practically wet themselves because they are, "Just. So. Excited. About.Science". These are the ones who run to the white board. Their eyes light up when they talk about what other people in the field are doing (not just their own stuff). They are engaged and engaging intellectually, and many can appreciate the humor in their own quirks, and in the weird conversations that come up in the course of their job. We embrace and celebrate our dorkitude, and then go off to discuss the neuroscience of zombies* over beer. It's pretty fun (sometimes).
* um, yeah, I've honestly had this conversation. It veered into how you would have to engineer the zombie virus to selectively inactivate different parts of the brain & which regions would have to be left intact. No-one participating in that conversation actually engineers viruses, so it was purely theoretical, I swear.
So I feel better about things today (obviously), and I'm almost done with the 3rd revision of my talk. In less than 48 hours, I should be done with everything, and hopefully celebrating the good outcome :)
Backyard Fairyland
D took this at night, with long exposure.
Bathtub Kitty
This cat worships the bathtub faucet.
3 comments:
I just read your Friday post (saved in Google Reader) and I'm so glad you are seeing things a little differently today. I know I'm going to sound like an old person when I say this, but every job has its down sides and every choice means other options were rejected.
And I so agree with your dad. You ARE the best of the best.
XXOO
Nancy
I think that's the hardest part of growing up really, giving up the perspective that the possibilities are endless. There are so many things that I wish I could pursue, but they would all require that I give up other pursuits/possible futures.
My most recent therapist talked with me quite a bit about two tendencies that anxiety/depression prone people tend to engage in. The first is generally negative thinking - focusing only on the bad parts. The second I think is more interesting - "all or none" thinking. After I turned in my thesis (and in the last few days) I had a really hard time with this. I was unhappy with three or four paragraphs, and had myself convinced that the whole 200+ page thing was worthless because of that. The only way I can claim progress is that it only takes me a few days to get over this now, but I have to actually consciously talk my way through the logic that it's only a few pieces that were weak, while the rest of it was solid.
Thanks for your words, Nancy (& Marce & Dad). I know I wouldn't have been able to do this without people's support, and it helps to know there are so many rooting for me, even if I'm not the most appreciative in the moment.
Sweetheart,
your comments were heartening. Especially the ones about the conversation with your peers. You are in a good place in your life.
For thirty years I worked in a place where conversation consisted of "How are ya this morning?".
"I'm fine, howa you?". There was other conversation during the day in which I didn't join in because I don't give a damn about how the Sox or the Pats or the Celtics did the day before.
New England is expensive to live in. Paris is also. Bangladesh and Baghdad and Mogadashiu are not. It has something to do with the desires of the marketplace.
The negativity may have something to do with being Swedish. I have always found it easier to find things that are wrong with an idea than to concentrate on what is right and promising. This is a good attitude for people that maintain the Space Shuttle but not for the people that envision it. Negativity is good if you want to be an underling but positivity is the secret to becoming a visionary. Cassandra got thrown off of a cliff. If she had predicted lollipops and roses, things might have been different for her. She was true to her calling and suffered the consequences. You may face such a situation somewhere in your future and the decision will be hard. Many people knew that there were no weapons of mass destruction but no one spoke up because they knew that that was not what the boss wanted to hear. The Emperor was naked but no one spoke out because the headsman was near.
There are times when you question the choices that you have made. Consider all of the disastrous choices that you could have made and compare them to the choice that you have made. It seems to me that you have chosen very well.
As for the future, I was tickled by one of your comments, the one about fishy things. I remember Grandpa Eulo asking you if you liked fish. You were very small and replied "I like it but it makes me throw up.". At the end of that long table of fishy things, there may be medwurst.
You will do well, you always do. You will someday be known as the Belle of Nashville in your circles.
I thought of your deleted post for a long while. I remembered a book that I read fifty yers ago. It was titled "The Languages of Pao". The author was Jack Vance. There has been research done on the concept in your field. It resulted in the Sapier-Whorf hypothesis. How does language influence the way that we think? Germans don't open a door, they knock open the door. Certain Australian aborigines have no words for left or right or front or back. Their words are north and south and east and west. Time is time but if we view it as a conglomeration of points or a constant flow does it influence how we view the world? These are things that I used to wonder about. The days of wonder have passed for me but not for you. You are a wonder full human being and a wonderful person. I am so proud to be your father.
One last admonition. Whenever you get down about life, remember that old Swedish Lutheran maxim. "Things wouldn't be bad if we only worked harder.". How hard do you have to work to be able to say "No thank you." to the lutefisk?
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