I actually hung out with some of my fellow grad students tonight, and we ended up coming back to my house for a tour of the back yard, since they were dropping me off anyway. I had a good time, but still felt uncomfortable, and the feeling really only grew after they left. I almost always feel that I said something wrong, or just that I am wrong, after spending time with people that I work with or go to school with. And I am always uncomfortable with having them over to the house (with only one or two exceptions). So, after they left I was feeling pretty crummy, and I put my finger on it. I'm ashamed of my house, my neighborhood, my life. This isn't something that comes from any specific person (and my three friends are good people, and I'm sure that they don't think or feel any negative things about me because of my economic position). Rather it's just the awareness that I have that I don't have the same things that they do, that I'm part of a different class, and that no matter how much time I spend in their schools or workplaces, I will never actually be part of the club.
I know that this is not some club that they all decide to keep other people out of. And it's not like I would really change my station in life - I like our house and our neighborhood, and I'm more comfortable with D & our neighbors & friends from the same walk of life than I am with anyone from work/school. But at work, I'm an outsider, and a closeted one at that. With some people, it's fine & really not an issue - I can just keep my personal life personal. But many of the grad students & professors have circles of friends that are entirely internal to the academia, and I just don't fit in there. I felt that way at college too; I guess here it's a little less conspicuous, but it's essentially the same feeling that I had then - when I had to work, and I spent alot of time in Plymouth with people who weren't in on the college thing. I feel like I'm straddling two separate worlds. My involvement in school, etc., kind of inhibits my relationships outside of that arena, and my life outside of school/work inhibits those relationships at school/work. And I feel bad that I relate to people only in a very superficial way - small talk, or discussing pop culture or something. Plus, there are other people, my boss included, who obviously have a problem with my not wanting to discuss my personal life with them, or invite them over, etc. Yet these are precisely the people that I feel would be most uncomfortable with the stark differences between my life & theirs, and I fear that if they knew anything about me, they would realize how much I don't belong around them. Which really makes me miss Boston & Tufts/NEMC - I just don't remember feeling this ashamed of myself when I worked there, and I was much less responsible & grown up there!
So, starting now, I am no longer going out for beers with people after work, because it just leads to this whole shame/awkwardness spiral. I will work late, go to the gym, or walk home & cook dinner for D & me. I will really, really, try hard to quit smoking (at least enough so that I don't do it in front of other people). And I will stop feeling like I have to make lifelong friends out of people with whom I have very little in common.
Sorry for the depressing post, but I just had to get that off my chest.
Backyard Fairyland
D took this at night, with long exposure.
Bathtub Kitty
This cat worships the bathtub faucet.
1 comment:
Dear One,
my heart goes out to you. I read your post and was saddened by your thoughts. I always thought that my children would not have to experience the thoughts that I had at your age and younger. I grew up in a a very wealthy town and we were poor. To compound the problem, the values I learned at home were much different from those of my peers. My Father was a giant of a man, extremely intelligent, respected by the entire community, and yet stood apart from all of them. He had a personal ethical code that was almost biblical. He was surrounded by lackeys and wannabees and towered above them and stood apart from them.
My brother and I learned our values from him. What you do, how you think and how you treat others are more important than what you have. My peers in high school all had new cars. I had a seven year old car that never worked right. It was a joke among my peers but I got that car on my own. I worked a whole summer to get it. My family did not have a car and I should have used the resources to help out at home but I succumbed to outside influences and got it.
I always felt like an outsider growing up. The small talk and small concerns of my peers never interested me. I learned from my Father: Stand on your own, take pride in who you are and what you have done, and, above all, never hurt or take advantage of another human being. My brother shares those values and is much more like my Father than I can ever be.
There are only four people in the world that I feel comfortable with, my daughters and my brother. I don't like to talk about football or movies or hollywood stars or politics or new cars and feel sorry for those that do. The aversion that I have to new cars is almost a phobia and my brother shares that. I would rather have something old that works fine or that I have fixed and take great pride in those things.
This brings me to the Comfort Zone which makes me uncomfortable as I don't usually admit this weakness to myself. I learned about drinking from watching my Father. He would come home at night, sit outside on the back stairs , and pour beers down his throat like Niagra Falls. He didn't seem to talk to my Mother much. She was as smart as him but nowhere near as educated and more effected by the material world. She was the wife of a legend in our town and lived vicariously through him. She did not share his values of honesty and integrity and was more concerned about what the neighbors thought than what her family thought. She was always trying to make friends but they felt uncomfortable around my Father because of his personal integrity and strength. I would sit and drink beer with my Father and my brother and the talk concerned why trees grow up instead of out, why stars twinkle but planets don't, where do frogs go in the Winter, and "Take care of your feet. When you get old, if your feet hurt, your life is over.".
You and your sisters have seen me drink and seen my brother drink. I feel comfortable with him as I never felt with any of my peers. We sit and pour down beers and there is no one nursing a single beer so it is never their turn to buy. The talk is about how cats are different from dogs, why leaves change color, why are angels so scary, and why are his meatballs so much better than mine (he still won't tell me). There is no mention of the mundane crap that constitutes conversation for most people and there is no complaining! My Father's visage still towers over us "Don't whine, deal with it or walk away from it!".
Now that the introduction and rambling are taken care of, here it is:
Sweetheart, you are different, you will never feel comfortable with other people. Everything that you have and that you have accomplished, you have done on your own. Stand tall, like a redwood among the bushes. Other people envy you because of your strength. Like all human beings, they will snipe and criticise because the only way they can justify their existence is to tear down that which surpasses them. You are going to have to live your life apart, finding your own way and judging yourself by your own standards, not someone else's. It is at times lonely but it is satisfying when you lay your head down at night and feel comfortable with yourself.
I guess that it boils down to "Tellwiddem!". You are unique, you will never be part of the crowd, you think your own way, you act your own way, and you are your own judge. One thing I remember from My Father's advice "Never be someone else's fool.". Another thing, in relation to cars and maybe other things "Second class riding is better than first class walking.". One last piece of advice that he gave me that I have never followed "Nils, the only time you should open your mouth is to change feet!".
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